TD's Journal

2012

2012-01-15T21:17:00.005-06:00

Has it been 6 months since I posted anything on this blog? We just got back from the most adventurous vacation we've ever taken. For our 40th anniversary, we splurged on a trip to Belize. It was a Yoga Retreat, at least it was for Darlene. I did participate one night but mostly, I used the morning and evening Yoga time for quiet time to reflect and listen to God.

We are giving serious thought to selling our house and moving to Colorado to be closer to two of our grand kids. Long distance grand parenting stinks. Getting closer to Josh's family should allow more frequent visits to Steve's family, who are coming back to the States next summer.

We'd also like to do more traveling to see our extended family who seem to be spreading all over the country in Hawaii, Utah, Arizona, Colorado, Georgia, N. Carolina and Pennsylvania. Darlene cut back on her classes at the "Y" from 10 per week to 4 per week and my work has also dwindled down significantly. As the years fly by, it seems more important to stay connected to family.

So, what is ahead in 2012? It could be a pretty exciting and may be an anxious year. We'll have to trust God to orchestrate all the details, which will provide it's own challenges. In 2011 I started setting aside one half day a week for silence and solitude to focus and refocus on my relationship with God. Whatever this year brings, I want to remain faithful to this practice above anything else.

Pre-grief Grace

2011-07-10T05:43:00.018-05:00

This past week we had to euthanize one of our dogs - Aslan. He was coming up on 12 years old and that is about the life expectancy for Wheaten Terriers. We got him shortly after moving here from Pennsylvania and he was a real source of joy. We miss him a lot but there is peace knowing that God was walking with us and helping us through the whole process.

It may not seem like much to some but when the God of the Universe orchestrates circumstances in such a way that he seems to be preparing you for a difficult thing in your life, I think that is a big deal and that is a big loving God. Let me tell you the ways God was preparing us for the grief of losing our precious Aslan.

We always knew his life expectancy was 12-15 years and over the past two years we could see he was slowing down. About two months ago our neighbor had to put one of her dogs down and we grieved with her. About two weeks ago we heard about another friend's dog who died in her sleep - she was 12 years old. Then, last weekend, we happen to be looking for something to watch on TV and caught the second half of Marley & Me. All these events were sad but they were also grace from God preparing us for our grief.

When Darlene and I returned from the gym this Wednesday morning, we found that Aslan had vomited 12-15 times all over the house. As we were cleaning up, we found small clots of blood.

We took him to the Vet and they did x-rays of his abdomen. The doctor called to say they were keeping him overnight and that the x-ray showed something unusual around his spleen.

Of course we got on the internet and found several articles related to spleen problems and it didn't look good. Even though a dog can live without his spleen, they generally have lots of difficulties and only live a short time. If there is cancer in the spleen, it spreads almost immediately to other organs so taking the spleen isn't an option. We began to grieve the possibility that we would be losing him.

The next day we picked him up to go for an ultrasound at a pet hospital in Kansas. He seemed pretty much back to normal and I began to hope for the best, that it was just an ulcer or something else that caused the blood. We brought him home and waited for the call.

The call came that afternoon from our Vet and his voice told the story, the news was very bad. Tumors had formed on his spleen, liver and bowel and he had very little time.

Adding to this mix, we are leaving Monday afternoon to visit our son and his family who we only see once a year. Knowing how quickly Aslan could deteriorate, we were concerned our dog sitter would have to deal with it in our absence. This was another pre-grief blessing, we could not "put off" our decision. If we didn't have this trip planned we might easily have delayed too long, meanwhile agonizing over when is the right time and may be allowing him to suffer longer than he should.

Our Vet offered to come to the house and administer the injection in a more comfortable setting for Aslan. Thursday afternoon we took him to his favorite place for a walk in the woods, gave him his favorite treat and tried to pour as much love into him as we could with only a few hours left. Friday morning we walked the trails in our development and he enjoyed more treats along the way.

We decided that our other dog, Jake, needed to be present after Aslan passed. We kept him out of the room until it was over then allowed him to come in and be present for a while before the Vet took Aslan for cremation. Our Vet was wonderful and we appreciate all he did to make this difficult decision - more grace from God.

As sad as this is, we have peace that we were guided toward making good decisions and especially that God, while not saving us from this difficulty, was walking through it with us.

Your Presence

2011-02-20T07:38:00.004-06:00

Oh, that you would rip open the heavens and descend, make the mountains shudder at your presence. Isa 64:1

It strikes me that God's presence is always present. He never needs to return to me, it is always me that needs to return to him. Father, forgive me for the ease with which I can leave your presence.

Sometimes I sneak away or drift away or walk away or run away. Thank you for being there like the prodigal's father was there, waiting with open arms and forgiveness. For covering my shame with the robe you prepared for me.

Forgive me Lord for being more concerned with how my words sound than with what is true in my heart. You are the father of the prodigal. I'm shamed by my sin but so grateful that I'm still a son, not disowned, not rejected, still yours. Thank you that you mold me even in my sin and shame, you use these to shape my spirit to conform to your image.

I am what you make me. Thank you for forgiveness, mercy and love. Help me to forgive myself.

Compassionate One/Competative one

2011-02-19T09:12:00.006-06:00

God used Isaiah to encourage the people of Israel to return to him before it was too late. For the first 39 chapters the message is "condemnation and judgment" but beginning with chapter 40 the message changes to one of "comfort and hope". Reading Isa 49:8-12 in The Message, I was struck by the words, "compassionate one".

That feels familiar to me. For the first 30+ years of my journey a lot of it felt like condemnation and judgment. But God is the compassionate one, he always has been. Religion obscures what we see, making God seem to be something he is not.

This passage is the one Jesus read from when he began his ministry, he entered the synagogue and they handed him the scroll of Isaiah and he made it clear that the passage was about him. His purpose - to proclaim good news to the poor, the prisoners, the blind and the oppressed - us.

God is the compassionate one. Hundreds of years before the exile and the punishment, he's already delivering a message of redemption. When it comes to compassion, mine is erratic at best, but God's is complete.

The other day we were driving on the highway when we came to an on-ramp and this car was coming along side with the intention of merging into traffic. The person was talking on their cell phone and not paying much attention to their need to slow down or speed up in order to slot into the traffic. I couldn't move over because there was a truck passing me, and I didn't want to adjust my speed. When the driver finally realized I was right there and it was too late to speed up to get in front of me so he had to slam on his brakes.

My wife's reaction was what I should have expected, "tell me she said, how is it that you can stop to help someone who's broken down on the road or out of gas but you couldn't slow down for that guy"?

What is that about Lord? There are times when I feel whole and undivided and junk like that doesn't happen but then there are other times when I feel divided and do stupid things like that.

I think it's about competition. It's like when you're standing in a line and someone distractedly step in front of you. Do you just let it happen or not? In the Isa 49 passage, God says through Isaiah, it's OK, you don't have to worry, you don't have to compete, I'll be there for you:

'It's all right. It's safe now.'
There will be food stands along all the roads,
picnics on all the hills—
Nobody hungry, nobody thirsty,
shade from the sun, shelter from the wind,
For the Compassionate One guides them,
takes them to the best springs.
I'll make all my mountains into roads,
turn them into a superhighway.

We don't need to compete, the Compassionate One has our backs - "it's all right, it's safe now".

Busywork

2011-01-23T08:01:00.002-06:00

"Don't waste your time on useless work, mere busywork, the barren pursuits of darkness". (Eph 5:11 Msg)

Really, is busywork that bad? As a kid my father would get upset if he saw me doing "nothing". I might have been watching cartoons or playing but that, in his mind was doing "nothing". So, he would find something for me to do - busywork. What's wrong with doing nothing?

I think busywork is about control, distraction and numbing of the soul. Busywork has distracted me on many occasions from thinking about or doing something difficult, like apologizing to my wife or something else too painful to be faced. I've come to resent busywork. I hate the fact that at times I'm just moving because I don't know any other way or to avoid the difficult emotions that come when all the motion stops.

It does feel better, more fulfilling to be busy. It's like a drug. I think I'm recovering from the need to be busy and I'm beginning to take time more often to be still and focus my thoughts on the Lord. I find myself asking God to expose the things that make me want to be distracted with busywork and reveal his plan and purpose in those things. “Be still, and know that I am God".

Learning to Dance

2010-12-16T06:18:00.005-06:00

The other day I read something in the Psalms. The Psalmist said, "the godless are spreading lies about me but I keep on dancing to Your revelation". The early theologians used a word to describe the relationship God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit have with each other that translates "dance".

The kind of fellowship they had and the kind of fellowship we want to have with God is a kind of dance. If we want that dance to become something beautiful and graceful, we'll need personal instruction.

It occurs to me that for most of my Christian life I've been trying to learn to dance by the book. I guess going to bible college you'd think they would be qualified to instruct you in that dance. The problem is they all learned to dance by the book too.

What you really need is personal instruction. God says if you seek me you will find me. The Message puts it this way, "When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." If you want to learn to dance, you need personal instruction.

It takes more than bread to really live

2010-11-06T11:52:00.003-05:00

The phrase is from Luke 4:4 in "The Message" translation. Bread is a metaphor for material and physical needs. It seems contradictory to say that we need bread to live while saying it takes more than bread to live. Life is more than having our material needs met. That may seem obvious but we live as though our lives are completely dependent on physical material and emotional needs being met.

This may be partly due to our being human but it is also a factor of our having an enemy who hates us and plays on our hunger as he did on Jesus'. Jesus demonstrated and scripture teaches us to claim the truth of the word and resist the devil and cause him to leave us.

The hard part is recognizing when the enemy is outside or inside. Are my neurotic thoughts coming from me or my enemy? If my heart is good, and it is because God promised to replace my heart of stone with a heart of flesh, then I must conclude it is my enemy accusing and playing on my hunger.

So how do I reconcile the activities of my enemy playing on my hunger with Jesus' words, "It takes more than bread (physical, material, emotional satisfaction) to really live"? I trust Jesus words - real life is not found in peace, prosperity or security.

But You

2010-10-27T08:14:00.002-05:00

From inside the fish, Jonah prayed to God. From the depths of the grave he describes his despair, waves and breakers sweep over him, banished from God's sight, engulfing waters, the deep surrounding him and seaweed wrapping his head. Then he says, "but you brought my life up from the pit".

"But you", what an amazing phrase. I'm faithless, but you are faithful, I doubt you, but you are always present, I fail, but you never fail, I question, but you are the answer.

I could go on and on, each day the story changes. Sometimes evolving, sometimes starting all over it seems. It's like a journey that has familiar turns for a while then you're in lands you've never seen before and everything is unfamiliar.

My controlling nature makes me want to see familiar roads ahead, "but you" care more about me than I care about myself. Familiar isn't always what is best. You desire to know me more than I desire to know you. You want me to experience the abundant life you came to bring.

I'm so content in my dungeon, "but you" want to release me and set me free. Why do you care?

Timing is the Father's Business

2010-07-28T08:23:00.008-05:00

In Act 1:6-7 the believers were asking Jesus when he would return and re-establish Israel's kingdom. His response was "Timing is the Father's business" (The Message). It strikes me that I have that same anxiety about "when". Thinking about it, I realize that for me knowing when is about control. When will you bring healing, move in someone's life or reveal your plan for my life?

It's hard for me to be content with moment by moment direction from God, I want to know all the details and specifics. What is it about control that causes it to have such a grip on me?

Control along with a few other sins seem to hang on when so many others have disappeared along the journey. Why is that? Is God allowing these to keep me humble or is it my subconscious mind hanging on to them so that I'll always be (in my mind) unworthy of being used in Kingdom service?

I've told others that God doesn't expect us to be perfect, only that we model progress. Waiting for perfection keeps us from doing what we can with what we have and where we are along the journey. If only I could be content with my own advice. How do I balance my need for clarity and control with God's call to reckless abandon?

Remembering Friends

2010-07-06T12:52:00.006-05:00

This past week I pulled out an old file folder containing cards and letters of encouragement that I've received from friends and family over the years. I've been collecting these for 14 or 15 years but I wish I'd started sooner. My friend Peter suggested it. He said that as a pastor, he often felt discouraged or beat up and he'd be uplifted by reviewing his cards and notes of encouragement.

It seemed like a small thing and to be honest, I didn't expect my file would ever get to be very large. When I'm feeling worthless or like I don't make much of a difference in the world, I pull out some of the notes and reread them. They are from Sunday School class members, work associates, teens from our youth group years or their parents, close friends and family.

It strikes me that people would be so kind as to take the time to encourage others like that, I've rarely done it myself. Considering how much it means to me, I really need to be more faithful about expressing my appreciation for others. I won't make it a resolution or anything but I'm going to try and do better.

My "Real" Story

2010-04-24T17:20:00.019-05:00

When I first came to Christ I was told that I needed to spend time each day having devotions, praying and studying the Word. I committed to these Spiritual Disciplines out of obedience. I developed a hunger for the scriptures and devoted many hours a week to study. Eventually, I moved into various leadership and teaching roles in our church.

The Disciplines, the ministry activities, they seemed to take on a life of their own. The scriptures became everything and I had a low opinion of anyone who didn’t approach the study of the word with a similar passion. I believed that if we were rigorous in keeping to the Word and the disciplines of the Christian life, troubles would pass us by.

For a long time I didn’t even question the direction I was going. I was convinced that I knew the truth and that’s all that mattered.

Eventually though, God started a work in my heart. One of the women in our Bible Study class shared her painful experience with her overbearing father, a pastor, who had no capacity to express love. Even later in life as an adult when she asked him to tell her if he loved her, his response was, “I’ve demonstrated my love for you all my life by caring and providing for you and that should be enough”. The harsh awaking for me came when she said that I reminded her of her father.

That started me questioning what was happening in my heart. Twenty-five years as a Christian and I wasn’t experiencing the "Abundant Life" Jesus promised in John 10:10 and I was often hard, cold and critical with others? That started a process of questioning what I believed even questioning if God made any real difference in my life.

My belief about the “special blessings” God granted those who faithful kept to the Disciplines of prayer, devotions and study was shaken when one of my good friends fell victim to severe debilitating depression. Why? How could this happen to him? He was a dedicated father, elder in our church, youth leader and Sunday school teacher.

Another blow came when my best friend and pastor had an affair. Once again, a loving father, faithful in teaching the Word and following the spiritual disciplines in his life; how could this happen?

Soon after these events, my employer asked me to move to Missouri and we felt God was leading us to accept the change. It took nearly a year to find a church home. I was working long hours and didn’t have time for much more than Sunday morning services. But, I continued to follow my routine of prayer, devotion time and bible study each morning.

The pressure of 70-hour workweeks began to take a toll on me and I began to suffer from anxiety attacks mixed with bouts of depression. Once again I asked, why, how could this be happening? Because so much of my identity as a Christian was tied up in performance, I wondered if this was punishment from God because I was no longer in active ministry.

The anxiety was addressed through counseling and medication but I was embarrassed that my obedient religious practices weren’t enough to overcome this issue. My questions became more urgent.

Work eased up and we were able to get back involved in church and ministry. I was teaching an adult Bible study group again, serving as a deacon and had a small men’s accountability group. But the questions continue to nag at me; I still wasn’t experiencing the abundant life and where was the freedom in Christ I read about in scripture?

We’d been attending the same church we joined when we moved here but we were not content. I’d been reading some authors and listening to podcasts that spoke about God’s love in a way I hadn’t heard before. I read about how we get caught up in performance management and sin management and fail to find true freedom in living loved by our heavenly father.

Finally, about two years ago my wife and I decided to look for a new church home. We were pretty disenchanted with church in general. We’d only had three church homes in nearly 30 years but we’d seen it all. Churches split over doctrinal differences, people shunned because they didn’t “fit in” and the moral failure of leaders. What we didn’t see enough of was God’s love and mercy coming through in his people.

One Sunday we drove by 913 Colbern Rd and we notice that it wasn’t a sports complex anymore, it was a church. We decide to try it out. Honestly, I was about to give up on church but I thought, let’s give it one more try. It was pretty obvious that Lakeland was no ordinary church. Lakeland is much more about “being” church than “doing” church.

I heard Dan talk about contemplative prayer and solitude retreats and I joined a group that went to Conception Abbey. I experienced solitude and silence and the value of making time and space to “be” in God’s presence. I also interacted with people that were open and honest about their own struggles with living this life. This was such a different experience from what I was use to. Most Christian I knew would never admit that they ever had questions about their faith or about God – let alone about his very existence. This was the honesty I needed to allow me to continue my own honest questioning.

In 2010 I went on another Retreat and we’ve joined a two small groups. In one of our groups, Invitare, Katherine Krause is leading us into the experience of just being in God’s presence and learning to pray more contemplatively. I’m learning that true Spiritual Discipline is more about “being” than “doing”. I use to “do” devotions, prayer and bible reading. I’m learning to just “be” in God’s presence and finding rest there.

These days my word is “hopeful”. I sense that God is doing something wonderful in my wife and myself and we are finding more joy in this journey then we have every experienced before.

Contemplative Retreat 2010

2010-03-09T13:43:00.010-06:00

Just returned from "making retreat" to Conception Abbey in Conception, MO. The Abbey is a Seminar College and Monastery of the Benedictine Order, organized to serve Irish and German immigrants and founded before the Civil War. It is an awesome place to get away, enjoy nature and the quiet and solitude they offer. The Monks pray six times daily and we sat in on their services several times. Meals were simple but sufficient and the rooms were very modest but clean and comfortable.

This was my second annual trip to Conception for a time of silence and solitude. There were 14 others from Lakeland Community Church. The age range of the retreatants was from 19 to 58 with 12 being men and 3 women. It never ceases to amaze me how well Landlanders jell, and how openly they share the deepest desires and frustrations of their spiritual walk with the Father.

Dan, our pastor, says we don't go on this retreat to find a spiritual high. In fact, it is very likely we will find just the opposite. We are there to "wrastle" (wrestle) with God, to get quiet, to notice and to listen.

Personally, I found myself asking the same question over and over, "God, do you love me and can I trust you?" The scripture says it isn't about our love for God but that God loves us (1Jn4:10). This is significant because we hear so much about loving God and loving others. In fact, the passage in 1 John 4 goes on to say that if we don't love our brothers, who we can see, we can't love God.

It seemed to me there was a sort of order in this. If it isn't that we love God but that he loves us then that must be the first or more important part of the process. This is quite important because, if we measure God's love for us on the basis of how much we love our brothers or how much we love him, we might come away pretty dejected. But again, it isn't that we love God but that he loves us.

Accepting that God loves us seems like it would be easy to do but I don't think it is. Most of us don't feel deserving of God's love and in our world - the human world- that is the basis of love. We love those who deserve our love and who love us back. But God's love for us isn't based on our being worthy or deserving and that makes it hard to grasp.

It's unconditional or impersonal and again, we don't have a good model for that accept maybe when it comes to our kids. As tiny little babies they can't do much to earn or deserve our love, we just give it. In fact, they are pretty demanding, noisy, dependent and messy but, we still love them. That's how God loves us, he loves us more than anything or anyone and we can fully trust him.

Anyway, I'm saying that but it is the question I "wrastled" with on my day of solitude. "Do you love me and can I trust you?" I know what the Bible says but I'd like a more personal response. If I can't get one, I'll have to settle for the facts.

I feel a little bad for asking but then I think about John the Baptizer, he announced Jesus' coming, introduced him and even baptized him. But then, he sends his disciples to Jesus to ask if he was the one for which they had been waiting! What, how could he ask that question? I guess things look different from inside a prison cell.

Jesus' response was interesting too. He didn't get bent out of shape, I guess God doesn't mind our stupid questions. He just said, consider what you've seen and experienced, this should give you sufficient evidence of my identity. I hear you Lord.

Mark 2:1-5

2010-02-27T11:25:00.005-06:00

A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that he had come home. So many gathered that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and he preached the word to them. Some men came, bringing to him a paralytic, carried by four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus and, after digging through it, lowered the mat the paralyzed man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Son, your sins are forgiven.

What did God reveal to me in this passage? There is so much here; people crowding, Jesus teaching, friends of a paralytic lowering him through a roof and Jesus forgiving his sins. What Jesus gave was a gift from his heart, not a reward for their faithfulness. He felt the man's pain and the community of the friends.

He didn't heal everyone who was paralyzed or who had friends who loved them. He doesn't heal everyone today. I don't know why he heals when he does. May be it's random or connected to some act on the part of the one being heal, but I doubt that. I know he's God and his promise is to be with us in our pain and pleasure, troubles and triumphs, disappointments and elation.

His presence is the only gift we can expect. Not healing, not blessing, not even peaceful circumstances. If his presence is enough we can have inner peace and comfort. At times, that isn't enough but we are encouraged to pray for peace, healing and blessing in our circumstances just as the widow with the unjust ruler. She kept going back over and over till he relented. May be God will relent if we keep coming? May be that is why he heals some - they are unrelenting in their prayers, love, faith and trust. the men who lowered the paralytic were relentless in their faith and trust that God could and would heal their friend.

What do I do with this? Trust- trust God trust him with myself. Trust him to love me. Trust him for what he believes about me even when I don't believe it myself. Lord I pray you help me trust you today. Your presence with me, your love for me and what you think about me. I love you.

Then John Consented

2010-01-06T16:21:00.013-06:00

This morning at Lectio I was pretty distracted. My brother called me last evening and he was pretty upset. My nephew, his son, is addicted to alcohol and drugs and he'd blown off work (3rd day into a new job) to go out drinking. While we were talking his son came into the house and started demanding my brother give him money. When he refused, a shouting match started and I got pretty worried. I suggested my brother might need to call the police because his son would not leave the house. That conversation ran late - after midnight and I wasn't sure I'd make it to the 6:30 prayer time.

The passage was Matt 3:13-17 where Jesus comes to John to be baptized and John says, that's not right, you should be baptizing me. Jesus presses the issues and says this is the right thing to do at this time and John consents to baptize Jesus. After, when Jesus is coming out of the water, the heavens open, the Holy Spirit descends on him and God speaks.

After reading and hearing the passage read 11 times, my distraction kept me from seeing or hearing anything from God in this passage. I started to journal as we are often encouraged to do. As I wrote about my conversation and concerns with my brother's situation I felt like I often feel, that I'm saying the same thing over and over, which Mr. Einstein has said is the definition of insanity. It seems useless and hopeless. Then it struck me that my perspective was skewed just as John's was by the physical world in which we live.

What I mean is that when Jesus asked John to baptize him, he said that doesn't make sense. Why would the priest baptize the Pope or the congregant baptize the pastor? John was looking at things from a very human, very physical perspective just as I often do. It makes no sense and seems counterproductive. But, Jesus encouraged him to do it regardless of how it seemed or would appear to those around.

And then, John consented. And when he did, the heavens opened, the Holy Spirit came down and the God of the universe spoke. Wow! It is amazing to think how many spiritual miracles might be around the corner from the seemingly meaningless things God inspires us to do.

Speaking love and beauty

2010-01-05T15:03:00.007-06:00

Over the holidays we visited our son, Josh, and his family in Colorado. While we were there he asked if we could go out for a beer and just talk. When our kids are growing up, we can't imagine a time when we might just sit like two adults and have a conversation. Now, each in their thirties, I've enjoyed coming to that place with both my sons.

Josh shared with me something he's been learning, about our responsibility as husbands, to speak love and beauty into the hearts of our wives. When our conversation is all about the kids, the finances, the household, what's for dinner, etc., we aren't fulfilling our duty to help them come fully alive.

I'm shamefully guilty of failing in this area. Sometimes, I think the whole "love language" teaching has messed me up. In the five love language model, we are encourage to make deposits into each others emotional bank accounts. So, I do the thing I understand to be high on my wife's love language scale and I expect her to reciprocate or at least, give me a pass when I screw up. After all, I made plenty of deposits, I should get a pass for my next couple screw ups. It's too much like, you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.

None of that really helps me understand what makes her feel beautiful and alive, it just tells me what "stuff" she wants me to do for her. When was the last time I asked her what she finds beautiful or what brings her true joy?

Usually, at dinnertime, we ask each other what were our highs and lows of the day. Too often I'm aware that her low had to do with something I did or said, which was critical or insensitive. Of course she is too gracious to remind me, but I know. I'm missing my mark by miles. Instead of being the source of her daily low, my words and actions should be the source of her highs.

Like I said, it was a good talk and I'm working to find ways to invest this truth wisely. Thanks Josh.

Him who struck them

2009-12-16T07:49:00.002-06:00

Today I read Isaiah 9:8-17 at Lectio. The phrase that struck me was, "But the people have not returned to him who struck them". At first I read it wrong, I added punctuation and read it like this, "But the people have not returned to him. Who struck them?" I guess it didn't sink in at first that it was God who struck them. So, why would they return?

In fact, the rest of the passage says his hand was raised as if to hit them again and yet they still didn't return, duh. Passages like this make it hard to see God as a loving God who loves me more than anything or anyone. I know this to be true from what I read about how he sent Jesus. But, when I read a passage that says he beat his people for their disobedience then stood there with raised hand to beat them again and they didn't return, I have to ask is this the same God who sent Jesus?

I wonder, what does this mean (I don't mean theologically, I don't need more theology). Why do I see two faces of God when I read the OT and the NT? I guess I don't have to get this or understand it, just except and put none of my expectations on God. Humanly, it makes no sense but then, God is not human is he?

The Secret To Happiness

2009-12-15T10:46:00.005-06:00

I saw a guy on the Bonnie Hunt show yesterday. He wrote a book about his time spent with an elderly Rabi who wanted him to give his eulogy. He said at one point the Rabi asked if he wanted to know the secret to happiness and of course he said "yes". The Rabi said, be satisfied. He went on to say, be grateful for all God has given and provided.

I thought about that and it does seem to hold tremendous wisdom and sage advice for finding happiness. But, it seems to me there is something else. Yes, be satisfied with what God is doing in your life, be grateful for what He has done and don't force your expectations on what He should do.

A lot of our problems come when we misplace our human expectations on Creator God. Why doesn't he cure my illness, provide for me financially, bring about world peace and stop hunger? All these expectations but what do we know about being God? It's like in the movie "Bruce Almighty", when Bruce became overwhelmed with prayer requests he simply grants them all - and what a mess!

So, be satisfied with what God is doing (He knows what's best), be grateful for all He's done (I didn't deserve any of it) and don't put your expectations on what He should do (I really don't have a clue what "should be").

Clear As Crystal

2009-11-18T08:02:00.007-06:00

I went over to church this morning for Lectio Divina. The passage was Revelation 21:9-21, a fairly long passage describing the new Jerusalem that will come down from heaven. In Lectio we read the passage several times and listen for God to impress a word or phrase on our heart. Here's the passage:

One of the seven angels who had the seven bowls full of the seven last plagues came and said to me, "Come, I will show you the bride, the wife of the Lamb." And he carried me away in the Spirit to a mountain great and high, and showed me the Holy City, Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God. It shone with the glory of God, and its brilliance was like that of a very precious jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal. It had a great, high wall with twelve gates, and with twelve angels at the gates. On the gates were written the names of the twelve tribes of Israel. There were three gates on the east, three on the north, three on the south and three on the west. The wall of the city had twelve foundations, and on them were the names of the twelve apostles of the Lamb.

The angel who talked with me had a measuring rod of gold to measure the city, its gates and its walls. The city was laid out like a square, as long as it was wide. He measured the city with the rod and found it to be 12,000 stadia in length, and as wide and high as it is long. He measured its wall and it was 144 cubits thick, by man's measurement, which the angel was using. The wall was made of jasper, and the city of pure gold, as pure as glass. The foundations of the city walls were decorated with every kind of precious stone. The first foundation was jasper, the second sapphire, the third chalcedony, the fourth emerald, the fifth sardonyx, the sixth carnelian, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth chrysoprase, the eleventh jacinth, and the twelfth amethyst. The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of pure gold, like transparent glass.

What God impressed on me was the idea that in the new Jerusalem/Heaven, there will be clarity and transparency. In the beginning of the passage it says the city was clear as crystal. Later, the wall is described as pure like glass. Finally, the street of the city, which was pure gold was like transparent glass. It struck me that this is a place where there are no secrets, nothing can be hidden, where every thing and everyone has pure motives and will live transparent lives.

To live this way today would be scary but only because in this bodily form I'm a sinful creature. But then, I will know fully even as I am known and will not be ashamed of what others know about me. Also, I will not be embarrassed by anything I know about someone else.

It strikes me that this is a description of the perfect spiritual community where we all know and are all known fully.

One More Death in the Family

2009-10-10T09:46:00.003-05:00

I hope this will be the last post this year about deaths in the family. Yesterday I heard from my sister, Betty, that our uncle, Paul Henninger, died Friday, October 9th. Paul was married to our Aunt Stella (Dengler) who died when she was very young - in her 40's.

As kids we loved to visit Aunt Stella and Uncle Paul on their farm. They had a wonderful place in Lenhartsville. I remember learning to fish for the first time in the pond on their property.

Paul was 94 years old. After his first wife, my Aunt Stella, died, he remarried a wonderful lady named Grace and they were married for more than 43 years.

Paul always struck me as a man of peace and grace, he seemed to be the perfect gentleman at all times. The photo above was taken this past January at my brother Marvin's funeral. We will miss seeing him at future family gatherings.

DOS

2009-09-27T08:07:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I participated in a Day of Solitude at Lakeland. We learned several ways of praying and meditating on God.

The first prayer technique we learned is called Lectio Divina (Divine Reading). The idea is that we enter into a time of prayer and in this prayer mode, we read a passage of scripture from the Daily Lectionary. We take turns reading the passage until several people have read and we become very familiar with what it says.

Next, a few more people read the passage while we look for a word or phrase God wants to impress upon us, this is called reflection. In the third step, we respond by journaling about the word or phrase we selected. We are encouraged to write whatever comes to mind. Writing forces us to slow down because the mind can move much more quickly then the pen.

In between reading and reflection we are given an opportunity to share the word or phrase by speaking it to the group. Speaking is another way of slowing down our thoughts. We are reminded however, that we are still in prayer and it is not a time to get preachy or comment on someone's thoughts - we are not there to fix others.

The last step is contemplation and in this step we are encourage to consider how the insight God has given, might play out in the next 24 - 72 hours. Again, we are encouraged to journal to capture any actions we feel we need to take.

After Lectio Divina we moved into two exercises in which we get quiet and Listen to God. Dan said that the monks use to say you need to get quiet long enough to where the monkeys in the trees get quiet and the demons in your head stop speaking. We learned that there are two modes used to move into this quiet time. The first is Kataphatic where you use something to help you focus. It might be worship music, written prayers, a book, the bible or a candle.

The other mode is Apaphatic where you use nothing, you simply close your eyes and focus your thoughts on God. This is also referred to as "Centering Prayer". Because our thoughts have a tendency to wonder, you should have a word to use when you need to refocus. My word was "mercy" from Luke 18 where the tax collector's prayer is simply "God, have mercy on me a sinner".

We spent about 90 minutes in Kataphatic prayer and 20 minutes in Apaphatic or Centering Prayer. In between these two times of listening to God, we performed an act of service for about 45 minutes. In this activity, we did some act of manual labor, cleaning, sweeping, etc. During this time we were encouraged to pray for those who would be using the tables, chairs and other things in the facility over the next days and weeks.

The last activity was a type of prayer time in which we spent time drawing or doodling and coloring on a piece of construction paper. During this time of drawing or doodling, we were encouraged to intercede on behalf of others for whom we wished to pray.

It was a good day not only for the solitude but for the instruction in various ways to connect with God in prayer.

Another Death in the Family

2009-07-14T08:53:00.004-05:00

This has been some kind of year for our family. First my brother died on New Years Day followed by my cousin Ruth Ann then my brother-in-law's sister Dianne, Darlene's Aunt Virginia, a close friend's father, another friend's mother and most recently, my sister-in-law's mother. In addition, a nephew had a massive heart attack and paramedics told my sister he was gone. Fortunately, they revived him in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. They put him in a deep freeze coma to preserve blood-flow to the brain and when they brought him out he was fine. Another nephew had a rollover car accident but received only minor injuries.

We turn 57 this year, only 3 years from 60. It didn't hit me when I turned 50 that I was getting old but 60! My little brother turns 50 this year and my oldest sister is in her mid 70's. I'm getting depressed so I think that's all I'll have to say for now.

Poet, Priest and Prophet

2009-05-10T13:46:00.006-05:00

My notes from Pastor Dan Wilburn's message today.

Ben Franklin said all we want for our children is that they become healthy, wealthy and wise. the healthy and wealthy part is fairly straight forward but what about the wise part? We don't really understand how to be wise or pass wisdom along so we settle for expertise. We teach our kids how to be experts at things like, homework, being polite, riding a bike, etc. But, our kids can learn that stuff from others. Experts can tell us how and what to pack for a journey but they can't tell us how to walk. Wisdom teaches us how to walk.

Our kids need us to be Poets, Priests / Priestesses and Prophets.
Spiritual Poets help interpret life from a spiritually slanted position and interpret spiritual matters. Actually, they interpret everything from a spiritual perspective. They can learn the science behind why it thunders and lightnings from others but no one else is going to teach them that these things are part of God's creation. The school teacher or Barney the big purple dinosaur isn't going to teach them that the thunder and lightening should be scary and exciting at the same time, like God and that we should appreciate and enjoy both aspects.

Priests and Priestesses usher people into God's presence. This is what we need to do for our children and it involves teaching them both how to pray and how to listen in prayer. Prayer is really a response to something God said. there is a secrete to listening to God in prayer and we need to teach that to our kids. They need to learn from us the practice of wasting time - spiritually by learning to rest in the Lord and quietly open their heart to God's instruction.

Prophets redirect their kids thinking away from what is false to what is true. For example, a TV add shows a family driving a new car to some far off and wonderful destination. Truth - they just want your money. If we buy the new car, we'd use it to do the same things and go the same places we go in our old car.
Teach them mercy and to be merciful not just to "do unto others as you want them to do to you". That golden rule we all learn is a far cry from what Jesus taught in Luke 6:27-36. The golden rule is about fairness but Jesus is about mercy. Fairness is about what I deserve based on what I've done but Jesus said, give to others even if they can't give back.

I wish I'd understood and practices this stuff when my kids were at home. In fairness, if we are going to teach this to our kids, we need to start living it ourselves. We will learn the wisdom at the feet of Jesus and no other place.

God's blessing is not what we hope for

2009-05-06T06:42:00.003-05:00

Luke 6:19 says "and the people all tried to touch him, because power was coming from him and healing them all". This phrase struck me because today, like then, people are trying to touch Jesus. Really, they are trying to "tap" him for something - a healing, a blessing, a job, etc. Few want him for himself but rather for what he can do or give. It's the consumer in us coming out in our faith. Even in our faith we try to find contentment through acquisition.

Jesus goes on to say it is not those who acquire that are blessed but just the opposite. It is the poor, hungry, sad, hated, insulted and rejected who are blessed. How few of us are willing to accept this truth. We'd rather have men speak well of us and accept us and be blessed by men rather than by God. God's blessing is not what we hope for.

Love's Grand Story

2009-05-04T19:10:00.009-05:00

These are the notes I took from our pastor's message yesterday. This is why I feel we are where we need to be right now. You can listen on the web site at www.lakelandcommunitychurch.org, although I noticed they haven't update with the May 3rd message just yet.

There are a number of Grand Stories. Most are meaningless stores. Most of us try to stay busy to keep from realizing our helpless hopelessness. God's Grand Story was the story Jesus followed. Jesus really believed the world was lost and floundering without him and without hope. He felt they needed Psalm 23 rest, which is peace that sheep have when they are under the protection of a good shepherd (Matt 11:28-30).

Most of us live to consume, hoping it will bring contentment. This is a lie, contentment is not one purchase away. If consumerism is our Grand Story are we finding contentment inside of ourselves? May be, but only until the next thing comes along that we want.

God's Grand Story is based on love. Sacrificial love, taking us from more important to less important. He created us out of love for us. Humans screw things up when we try to be as good as God because the next step is to be gods. It's why Adam and Even ate the fruit, so they could be like God. When we go down this road the story of love fades away.

The primary purpose of God is to reveal the one who can give man true rest - Jesus. It doesn't come through power and strength but through weakness and death. Paul says the victory was made complete on the cross - notice, not at the resurrection (1 Cor 15:3-8). Paul is sitting in a prison cell and he says, "Jesus rescued me". Paul's story is God's story and it can be our story. Our story is caught up in a larger story, it has to be!

Jesus' words are, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matt 11:28-30) But, it will cost you everything. You will stop consuming for contentment and start loving to find contentment.

Another Funeral

2009-05-02T06:31:00.003-05:00

This is Harold Backenstoe, he died this past Tuesday. He wasn't a relative but the father of some close friends, Ken and Joan Backenstoe. They are friends from the Lehigh Valley and have been out to visit with us a couple times since we moved to KC. Ken and Joan have a Soft Coated Wheaton Terrier and they are the reason we have Aslan and Jake.

Harold's wife died 16 years ago, they were both very nice people. Whenever Harold would visit his son, Ken, he would come along to church and attend our Bible Study group. He had wonderful insights into the scriptures and a big big heart for people.

His son, our friend Ken, got a lot of wonderful attributes from his dad. He is a quiet guy with a big heart and a strong believer in the Lord. My heart goes out to Ken and his family, I know they will miss Harold.

Who is it that overcomes the world?

2009-04-29T17:05:00.014-05:00

I really didn't have a specific blog topic to post when I sat down, just thought I'd write something since it's been a while. After I got into it, some things that were on my mind started to flow out though my finger tips and a subject emerged. The next two paragraphs are what I wrote before the thoughts started flowing but I decided to leave them here anyway. I had to include this photo of our dogwood tree, it has been extremely beautiful this year and I have just felt like it was a gift from God because last year a late frost shut it down.

Things are OK although work is very slow. I'm trying not to panic, things are generally slow in the consulting world. Companies have permitted plant managers to eliminate all but mandatory training requirements for example and recruiting is down because most are under a hiring freeze.

I feel this "down" time is from God and has given me a good deal of time to spend with him. I'm trusting that whatever his plan is, it will become obvious on his timetable not mine. This is always the hardest thing, to wait upon the Lord and trust that he has your back.

Here's the part that relates to the title "Who is it that overcomes the world?" That's actually a quote from 1 Jn 5:5a. My scripture reading has been in first John lately. John speaks of the love of God and the fact that we have the ability to overcome the world if we are obedient and faithful. That got me thinking about the term "overcome", what does it mean to overcome the world? We're told not to be fearful of the world because Jesus has overcome the world (Jn 16:33) but, what does that mean?

We know there was plenty wrong with the world when Jesus was born. The Romans ruled with a heavy hand, most Jews lived in poverty with little hope of things getting better. If you haven't seen the movie "The Nativity Story", watch it to get a feel for the struggles they had. Even beyond the repression of the Roman Government, the "world" represented corruption, death, deceit, murder, greed and all manner of sinful behavior.

Well, we know Jesus didn't overcome the world in the way some of his followers wanted him to at the time. They wanted him to lead a rebellion and overthrow the Romans. So, if he didn't overcome the world physically through military or political power, it must mean he overcame it spiritually. Overcoming something spiritually is not defeating it but living over it somehow.

I'm not sure what that means exactly but I think it has something to do with what Paul tells us about things which are unseen being actually more important than things which are seen. If that is true then it isn't so much about how we live before men but how we live before God.

I'm not suggesting it is unimportant how we live before men but I think it is far less important than most of us think and act like it is. When the way we live before God - our spiritual life - overflows into our physical life, we "overcome". We aren't intentionally trying to change the world or defeat it, we just live above it and when we do that, we can't help but change things and people.

When Jesus spoke of the kingdom of heaven, He said it belonged to the poor in spirit and the persecuted. If it could be earned by the religious powerhouses, the movers and shakers or the world changes, why didn't Jesus say that. He said, it belongs to those who are poor in spirit, those who are persecuted for doing the right things, the weak and helpless not the strong and powerful. People who live as though they care more about what is unseen than what is seen, look like loser to the rest of the world.

Who is it that overcomes the world? "Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God" (Jn 5:5b).

Aunt Virginia

2009-04-11T20:05:00.003-05:00

Darlene's aunt Virginia passed away this evening. She had been in a hospice facility about a week and a half. She fell in January, spent about two weeks in the hospital then transferred to Phoebe Nursing. She had a mild fracture of her C2 and swallowing became a real problem. About three weeks ago she vomited blood and was hospitalized again. It became clear she was not going to get better and was moved to Hospice at 17th and Chew in Allentown.

I was traveling on business 3 of the last 4 weeks and Darlene flew home to see her during that one week I was home. It was a good visit and she got a chance to see the facility she was in and felt good about everything. Talking with the nurses and doctors this week it seemed she was passing peacefully and this evening with very little resistance stopped breathing.

We didn't know Virginia and her husband, David, all that well. We'd see them from time to time and made a point of stopping by whenever we were back in PA. However, that changed quite a bit three years ago when she asked Darlene to become her power of attorney and help with her along with a friend from back in the Lehigh Valley. She was feisty, which is an understatement, and very alert mentally right up until the end.

Not sure yet if Darlene is traveling back for the service. Getting to see her before she passed was the best thing she could have done so, we'll see.

Beautiful Feet

2009-04-01T09:11:00.003-05:00

I was reading Rom 10:14-21 today and it made me think of my wife's feet. As a bit of background, if you asked my wife what she thought was her most attractive physical attribute, she would say it was her feet.

The passage is the one where Paul is saying, how can they believe if they haven't heard and how can they hear if no one preaches and how can they preach if no one is sent. This week Darlene decided to go to see her aunt who may be in the last days or weeks of her life. It was a hard decision because of the expense and knowing that she may have to turn around in a short time and take more time off and fly back for her funeral. But she felt she needed to see her and wanted to try to talk with her about her salvation.

Darlene's aunt and uncle were never much interested in spiritual things. They kept to themselves, had few friends and didn't associate much even with family. When we saw her uncle before he died, there was a religious show on the TV and that seemed strange. We later found out it was probably one of the care givers who turned it on. Hopefully, that same care giver was able to talk with him about his salvation.

The passage goes on to say, "how beautiful are the feet of those who bring the good news". My wife's feet are beautiful.

Everything IS Spiritual

2009-04-01T07:21:00.012-05:00

I spent the last two weeks in Joppa, IL. I was doing interviews for hourly positions in the new plant Lafarge is building there. I should say "proposed" new plant because there has been some concern because of the economy, that the plant won't even be built. It seemed silly to do interviews if there is a chance the plant won't be build however, promises were made that interviews would be done by the end of April so there I was. I guess that would be the first spiritual thing - I really needed the work having previously only worked two days this year. The photo here is of the bridge that crosses the Mississippi river at Cape Girardeau.

I decided to drive rather than fly in order to get a little extra income. Also, some of my mileage money is designated for special giving needs other than our regular giving. It is 400 miles each way and I drove there and back twice. So second spiritual aspect of this trip - raised about $800 to fulfill a giving commitment.

The trips were great. I usually have a lot of trouble staying awake while I'm driving, especially when I'm alone. I listened to podcasts of "The God Journey", some great Christian music and re-listened to a book called, "So You Don't Want To Go To Church Anymore". Staying awake was an answer to prayer and the things I listened to where very spiritually uplifting. The photos are of the old Joppa plant.

The plan was to interview 62 people from the exiting plant who had applied for hourly positions in the new plant. In an attempt to be more objective, or at least to give the appearance of being objective, Lafarge said they would have a representative from the West Kentucky Technical College (WKTC) involved in the interviews along with a third party representative of the cement industry. I'm the third party and the WKTC representative was a gentleman named John McKee. Another spiriutal aspect, it turns out that John is a believer and we have had wonderful discussions between interviews and over lunch. Also, many of the interviewees are believers; active in their churches, going on mission trips, leading youth ministries, etc.

At the end of my day I tried to find a place to read and just spend time journaling. I found a very nice park near my hotel. I've been reading a book by Thomas Merton called, "No Man Is An Island". Merton was a catholic priest who lived most of his life in an Abbey. One day I met a guy who was running his dog in the park. We started talking and he asked what I was reading. I told him it was Thomas Merton and he said that Merton lived just on the other side of the Ohio river from where we were sitting. We talked about spiritual things for some time and I found out he was an architect and had built this unusual glass tower-like home that I passed everyday on the way to the plant.

It was about one of the most spiritual business trips I've every had. I'm going back on Sunday for a few more days. This time I'll fly. I'm praying God makes it another good trip.

Contemplative Retreat

2009-03-10T10:33:00.008-05:00

This weekend I went along with some folks from Lakeland Community Church, where we have been attending, to Conception Abbey on a contemplative retreat. I called it a silence and solitude retreat but there is really more to it than just getting away for some peace and quiet. The photo is of a tunnel that ran underground between some of the buildings.

We stayed in private rooms that use to be student dorm rooms. They also reserved a meeting room for our times together and we had freedom to roam the grounds with the exception of the Monk's residence. The Monks pray together three or four times a day and we were free to sit in the Basilica during their prayer times. They mostly sing Psalms in a Gregorian Chant style, it was very different but in a moving spiritual way.

Saturday we had free time and were instructed to be silent from 10 AM until 5 PM. We read some things about the value of silence, in preparation. It provides a time we give the Lord to shape and transform us. One writer said, "The art of praying, as we grow, is really the art of learning to waste time gracefully--to be simply the clay in the hands of the potter".

I started reading Thomas Merton's "No Man Is An Island" last week and I took that along. It was the perfect book for the time there. Merton has a whole chapter on silence and solitude but the chapter that had the most impact for me was called Being and Doing.

Merton isn't an easy read, sometimes I get what he is saying and other times I can read and reread and not quite grasp it. In this chapter about being and doing, he says that we have trouble being because we don't believe in our own existence. As a result, we are always doing and trying to see ourselves in our doing, to see who we are and our impact on those around us. This all comes back around to our failure to believe and trust in God.

If we believe and trust God, we know he exists and accept our own existence in him. The less we are able to "be", the more we have to "do". When we strive to see ourselves, we are trying to see our own god-like characteristics. This is not the same as striving to be Christlike, in fact, it is just the opposite. Even Christ said he must be in the father and reflect the will and ways of the father - he can only do what the father tells him and what he learned from the father.

I've heard lots of comments about why Adam and Eve sinned. They were disobedient, they didn't understand God's instructions and or they failed to trust God's heart for them. But wasn't it the desire to be god-like?

It was a good time on a spiritual and personal level. Got to know some people at Lakeland and understand more of their ministry philosophy.

Another Funeral

2009-03-03T11:46:00.003-06:00

Another relative in my generation died this past weekend. It was my cousin Ruth Ann Miller, my Uncle Paul's daughter. She had pancreatic cancer. I saw her twice in the past six months, she was not doing well. Her husband died six years ago and they had three daughters. She was only 61 years old and that is too young to die. I do know that she was a strong believer as are her three girls.

Homeless Shelter and Heart Transplant

2009-02-24T09:09:00.010-06:00

About a week ago, the church we are attending put a notice in the bulletin that they were looking for help to go to a homeless shelter and serve breakfast. I wrote to the coordinator but was told they have more people than they needed already. I said that I'd like to be kept on the list as my availability is pretty flexible.

It was a little disappointing because I have felt the Lord drawing me toward doing something more meaningful than paint rooms in my spare time. I read something by Oswald Chambers a long time ago. He said that when you sense the Lord's leading on something, make as many irrevocable decisions as possible so that your actions reflect your willingness to do what God has impressed upon you.

This happen many years ago when we were praying about getting involved with youth ministry. I had been resisting for some time but one day I really felt it was what God wanted me to do. I got on the phone and called the youth pastor to tell him - there was no turning back at that point.

Last Thursday evening a group of guys, that hang out together on the 1st and 3rd Thursday nights of the month, decided to visit a friend who is in the hospital. His heart is shot and he needs a new one. The doctors had determined his heart was so bad that he was going to have to stay in the hospital until they either found him a heart of his gave out.

He'd been there two weeks prior to finding out how bad things were and his wife was staying with him 24/7. However, she needed to save some leave time for when the transplant happen so she was going back to work this week. I asked how he felt about that and he teared. He said he felt so much comfort having her there to pray whenever he got upset or worried.

I thought, OK, this is why the homeless shelter didn't work out, and I offered to sit with him this week. His wife called yesterday and said she was taking one more day off and would return to work Tuesday so I shouldn't come in today but would I come on Tuesday. I agreed and said I'd be there this morning. She just called to say they found a heart and he was scheduled for surgery at 1 PM so I should not come in.

Great news but what the heck, doesn't God want my help or what?

Funerals

2009-02-18T11:29:00.007-06:00

The mother of a friend from work died Monday. The funeral was today. It was at a Catholic church and they had a Catholic Mass. It surprised me how many standard procedures they followed and how everyone knew what to do and say at the right time. At first, my critical side flared up with thoughts that it was all religion without reality. As I watched more closely however, I found many people were truly devoted to the process they followed.

One woman and her husband were like lay support for the priest. They helped him with preparations for communion and lighting an incense burner of some sort - I really don't know all of what was happening. It was clear however, that this man and his wife were very serious about their role.

The priest at one point said that the woman who died was saved by her baptism but later indicate she was saved by having taken the Eucharist (Communion) and in the end he asked us to pray for her sins that she might be saved. That seemed a little sad that there should be so much confusion about the means of salvation.

An older woman spoke in the beginning about the lady who died, she apparently was a close friend or relative. After she concluded her comments however, she said, "Well wherever Rose is going, we don't know where, we will always keep her with us in our hearts". That was sad too because this woman participated in the service and appeared to be a practicing member of the church but didn't have any conviction about where her friend or she would go upon death.

We just picked up our newly created Wills this Monday. I had actually drafted a set for my wife and I myself since the only requirement is that they be witnesses and notarized. However, my attorney convinced me his advice would be worth the $350 he would charge to draft the necessary documents and it would ensure a smooth transition of our stuff to whomever gets it.

We need to make a list of specific things we want to go to specific people. For example, one of our daughters-in-law requested our china when we are gone so that will be the first item on the list. I think it will be more important to detail our wishes for what our funeral should look like. I know I won't be there but it gets confusing for those left behind when they have to decide stuff like, burial or cremation, open casket or closed, flowers or balloons?

PPD Follow up

2009-02-17T07:48:00.004-06:00

I mentioned my PPD entry to my wife and she pointed out a few things that are significant. Work is an important part of God's plan for us. The Bible refers to creation as work; Gen 2:2 "By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work". Adam was given work in the garden at the beginning of time Gen 2:15 "The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it". Scripture teaches that work is a gift from God Eccl 5:19, "Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God".

My point wasn't that work is bad, work is good but we should not tie our self-worth to our work. I realize that not everyone does that but as I pointed out, it is something that men especially tend to do.

PPD Post Project Depression

2009-02-17T06:28:00.008-06:00

I think I have Post Project Depression. We finished painting the living room on Valentine's Day. It was the best gift I could think of for my wife whose love language is acts of service not gifts. We really enjoy working on things together she just has to have the patience to wait until I buy into the need to do the project in the first place.

Even though she did come up with one more room to do, we haven't started it and I'm feeling a little low. The things on my to do list are pretty insignificant compared with stripping wallpaper and repainting five rooms in the house. It is more than interesting how, especially men, find their self worth in what they are doing. That is an especially difficult reality for me now that I find myself retired and only marginally significant to the industry that provided all that reassurance that I was a valuable asset and important to its success.

Its a false truth. It is true in that many men, and women I'm sure, find their self-worth in their work. However, it is false in that our actual self-worth is not really tied to our performance. I haven't read the book, "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell but in it he puts forth the important point that God loves us because we "are". He loves us just because we exist not because of what we might become or can do for him or his kingdom.

That is an amazing thing though it seems more false than true most of the time. What feels true is that God, and others for that matter, would love me based on what I am or what I can do for them. In fact, that is the case with the world and that is why it seems so true, this false truth.

Jesus taught us that we need to put more credence in what we can't see and what doesn't make sense in the world, because it is the unseen that is most important. However, knowing that truth doesn't always change my experience, I'm still a little down because my to do list is filled with pretty insignificant things.

So, where do I go with my feelings that seem so real, as they weigh so heavily over against the "facts", which I can't see - that my worth is tied to my existence and not my performance? I don't always know. Sometime, I can get my head around it and sometimes the Holy Spirit gives me the comfort I'm looking for, but not always.

Hey, if you came here for answers you came to the wrong place. I'm just the guy with questions, try one of those Christian self-help books, there's about a billion of them out there.

Religious Organizations

2009-02-11T09:56:00.005-06:00

So, we have been visiting this church and after about the fifth visit, we completed a visitor card. That prompted a gift basket being left at the door and a letter asking what our first impressions were. I also wrote one of the pastors a note and asked if we might sit and talk sometime.

The thing is, I don't know what I want to say or not say to him. Honestly, I'm not sure we want to jump back into another religious machine. It frustrates me that the majority of my tithe goes to paying for mortgage payments, electricity etc. and so little to actually helping people.

In truth, it is easier to be in a church where there are certain expectations. There is something comfortable about thinking you know what God wants from you. It must be to be involved in this ministry where you spend most of your time and money anyway. But, what if that isn't where God wants you spending all your time and money? Most likely you won't know it because you are too busy or too comfortable to ask and listen.

Its a lot harder to trust God to guide you day-by-day as to what He wants you to be doing and where you should spend your time and money. That leaves us open to any number of possibilities, some of which we might not like. But if we truly want God's will, that is how it will have to be. Waking each day asking, "God, what do you have for me today, who do you want me to talk with or help?"

Not many churches would suggest people open their heart to what God wants them to do on Sunday morning, we assume He wants us in church. In truth, there may be some Sundays when God wants you spending time with a neighbor or talking to a family member on the phone or just bonding with your wife and or kids.

We are perfectly willing to give to an organization we feel is doing good things and help with their planned activities. However, so often, the majority of effort and money given is simply expended on ministry to the Church. Of course there are people who need to be in church to learn and grow but most churches take the approach that if you are there, you need to be contributing in some way to the ministry, which is primarily to other members of the church.

So, I'm not sure. I know we won't be "joining" the organization, we're already members of The Church and we won't go to every event they plan, we live church everyday. We'll contribute a part of our tithe and help where we feel lead of the Lord and if that is cool with them we'll worship there.

Knowing God

2009-02-07T09:37:00.002-06:00

I was just reading something very interesting and true. Imagine if Eve really knew God and understood how much he loved her, whenever Satan came around with his lies? Imagine how you would react if someone tried to tell you something awful about someone you knew very very well, in an attempt to get you to distrust them?

Eve might have twister her face in unbelief, trying to hold back her laughter. "Are you talking about God? The one who walks with us in the garden each night, who created all this for our enjoyment and who loves us more than anything. Are you saying he would lie to us because he doesn't want us to be like him? That is ridiculous and totally impossible" She probably would have walked away without giving it a second thought.

The issue was trust not obedience. If what God wanted was obedience, his instructions would have been more specific and his description of the consequences more precise. Their obedience would have come from self preservation not love. Whenever self is at the center of our decisions, love takes a backseat.

Notice also that God didn't interrupt Satan to correct the half-truths he was telling. God sees something valuable in our failures. It is redemptive for our soul. Our failures lead us away from our self striving and move us toward more trust in God. No doubt the father of the prodigal son, when reflecting on the money wasted and the damage done to his son's body, still knew it had to happen and was all worth it.

Trust vs Obedience

2009-02-05T12:14:00.002-06:00

This is a copy of an e-mail I sent to a friend continuing a long conversation we've been having about church, religion, etc. etc.

Failure to understand how much He love me and and the ability to give up all my striving to "do it right" in order to "be" what he wants me to be. I can't disappoint God, he has no expectations of me. I've been reading 1 John 4:7-21 everyday for a little while and I see new things all the time about this issue of love.

Normally, when I find myself unkind or critical of someone or something, I just say, "you are just so evil and sinful" and try harder. But, I'm learning to say, "that's OK, at least you are sensitive to your unkindness" and I trust that God is still working in me. Rather than seeing obedience as the main thing, I believe the issue is trust. Do I trust the heart of God toward me or do I trust myself more? That was the issue in the Garden, God could have put the tree of knowledge far away from where they were or not planted it in the first place. But then, there would have been nothing to test their trust in God. God wants people who truly love and trust him, not fear and obey because they want to avoid "bad things".

That passage in 1 John says that when we live in love we live in God and God lives in us. I use to love the passages and preachers who would say we could not trust our emotions, that facts are all that matter and I'd dutifully put my heart up on the shelf. I'm not saying facts aren't important but we have to get the complete picture. The fact is that there are many things in the Biblical accounts that are contradictory. In Proverbs we read that if we train our children in the way they should go, when they are old they won't stray from it. However, Proverbs also says that when we train children in the way they should go, they turn out a mess and go ways they were not trained. So which is it? It's both, sometimes it will work out and other times it won't.

The Bible is not and owners manual for human life. Even if it were, God wouldn't want us to relate to him only based on what it says there. I think I said something before in an e-mail about having a friend and the only thing you know about them are instructions they gave you in writing, letters they'd written or gifts they'd given. What about the possibility of hearing from God afresh? I think its in James where it says Elijah was a man just like us and God spoke to him. I haven't heard, or I did and ignored it, but I'm going to keep listening and holding out hope that I can hear fresh things from God. He has not abandoned us to flounder around hoping to find some direction in the stories of other people's lives that might be applicable to us.

I love the Bible and cherish all that God has for me in it but it is not more important than my love for God or God's love for me.

Hope I'm making some sort of sense. I love you Bob (name changed to protect the not so innocent) and I love that you keep asking and questioning and sometimes get pissed off at the way things are, even in the church. It isn't perfect and probably isn't close to what the early fathers had in mind. Jesus never said anything about church except what he said about those who are part of the Body of Christ and that is a far cry from what we call church.

Domestic Tranquility

2009-02-02T19:28:00.006-06:00

We are painting. It started with the bedroom over the garage. We always called it the "Pink" bedroom. It is a large room with a walk-in closet, very nice but the wallpaper that was on the walls and the ceiling was pink. The family that lived her before us had a daughter who occupied that room.

Taking the wallpaper off was quite a choir because the walls had not been sized or painted before being papered. The resultant damage cost about $650 to repair but the end result looks great. It has now become the basket bedroom because we put oak boards with pegs on two walls and Darlene has hung her homemade baskets along the walls.

There was an old cedar chest in the room that belonged to my mother. It looked like it was painted black and the top was badly scratched. I started to sand it and discovered beautiful wood under the dark lacquer. I refinished the top and then decided to do the rest and it turned out very nice (see my facebook photos).

The next room is the dinning room and it started out petty well but I ran into another problem in the kitchen. The kitchen sink drain plugged completely. I bought drain cleaner, a snake and a device that forces high pressure water into the drain. Nothing was working, the liquid drain cleaner had some success but it didn't clear the blockage.

After lots of poking with the snake and forcing water pressure into the lines, the clog cleared. It felt so good to resolve it without spending $200 on a plumber.

Next will be the den and then the living room. Darlene is painting patches of different paint colors on the walls and it is looking like a quilt right now.

I don't really like painting but I really enjoy working on projects with Darlene. I don't know what it is but projects draw us together and there never seems to be a shortage of projects.

Death and Life

2009-02-02T06:17:00.005-06:00

This past New Years Day my brother died. We were six years apart and not that close really but I still miss him. As I prepared some words to speak at his funeral, I found myself remembering things about him. There were some bad things, which I kept to myself, and several good things. I also found myself wondering if I'd remember him in ten years.

About 7 or 8 years ago a good friend died too young. I would say he was my best friend because we had a relationship I seriously doubt I'll ever have again. That is such a sad thought, I try to avoid having it. I try to remember his voice or things he'd say or do to help keep his memory alive in my head. Two other friends (though not as close) died about the same time. They were also very young with children still at home. I miss them all and can still picture their faces and voices.

This past week my wife's aunt was taken to the hospital. She is 84 and though her health is generally good, things can go downhill fast at that age. She took another fall, she falls a lot, and hit her head. We thought she was well enough to go back to the assisted living facility the day after the fall but that may not be likely.

Neither my wife nor I ever knew her well enough to have memories of her that will last very long. Hopefully, we will remember her fondly in any case. We got involved with helping her three years ago when her husband died. I'm not sure it wouldn't be a blessing for her to pass sooner rather than later. She has had personal aids who sit with her every day for the past 3 years. Because of her health and finances, that will stop soon and she will go to a skilled nursing facility. She will hate that and that is why I made my comment about a blessing if she passes.

The one nagging thing is that I don't think she is saved. She and her husband never had any interest in things of the Lord. Though the last time we saw her husband, days before he died, he was watching a televangelist on TV.

Justice or Love

2009-01-30T09:23:00.003-06:00

Even before I understood the gospel, I had an interest in the Bible. It was a curiosity; something I didn't know much about, but to which I was drawn. In fact, it was while reading the Apostle John's gospel account, that I first understood the need to be "born again". After making the decision to accept what I'd read in the bible to be true, my interest in learning more of it increased.

Eventually, I found myself listening to bible teachings about every day. The teachings were on reel-to-reel tapes produced by a church in Dallas, Texas. They were recordings of the pastor who taught 6 times per week. He was an ex-Army colonel with a very strong background in the languages of the bible. He was dogmatic, forceful and tough on anyone who didn't agree with him that bible doctrine was the most important thing in life.

He taught systematically, having graduated from Dallas Theological Seminary. He taught there were ten attributes of God including justice, love, righteousness, veracity, immutability, omniscience, omnipresence, omnipotence, eternal life and sovereignty. What was interesting was that he said that the Justice of God was the gatekeeper of all the other attributes. The important implication of this was that Justice had to be satisfied first. Love could not flow unless justice was satisfied.

This teaching and the thinking that followed, has taken its toll on my spiritual walk. When you believe love takes a backseat to justice, a certain amount of implacability and coldness develops. You tell yourself, God loves you because you are justified by the blood of Christ not that he loved you for you.

Yet, this is contrary to scripture. The bible teaches us that God loved us and sent his son to die for us even though we were sinful and separated from him. He did this because he loved us not because we were justified. Getting this, makes all the difference in how I relate to God and others.

This is not a system that really works all the time in our world and it is why we have trouble believing. People don't drive safely because they know the highway patrolman cares for them and wants the very best for them. They drive safely because if the patrolman stops them, he will give them a ticket. Even a child who knows his parents love him, will do wrong things hoping not to get "caught".

When we relate to God in this way, hoping not to get caught or hoping that we've done enough good (bible reading, praying, church going, ministry, etc.) to appease him, we miss the great joy of his love. Relating to God's love, we want to do what is right but we don't cower when we fail, waiting for the hammer to fall. It also gives us more grace for others when they don't live up to our expectations of them.

The journey has been long and hard at times. God has graciously walked along side of me even when I was being an ass. As I look back, I would have to say that the times I was getting the most recognition from fellow believers were the times when my walk was weakest. Its like men or women who work all the time because that is where they find fulfillment and meaning, Christians feel they have to constantly be "doing" in order to "be". Doing for God in order to be loved by him. The Christian community feeds this very thing when it is ministry based while condemning it in every other context.

Relatives

2009-01-29T09:06:00.004-06:00

This morning at 3:45 AM we got a call from the assisted living facility where my wife's aunt lives. She has private care-givers 14 hour per day but at night she relies on the employees of the facility. On more than one occasion she has called for assistance and they didn't respond quickly enough so she tries to help herself. This morning was another of those times, she was warm and tried to get up and take off some bedclothes. She fell against the night stand and they took her to the hospital.

She has osteoporosis really badly and breaks easily. They found a mild fracture of the C2 in her spine. It really is getting to the point where she needs to be in a skilled nursing facility. She will resist that with everything that is in her. We have tried to convince her that she is spending her money too fast by having the care-givers, and should try to cut a few hours a day but she just won't.

This could be the straw that forces her into skilled nursing. The assisted living staff doesn't respond with the urgency they should and I believe the social worker that gets assigned to her case will not allow her to return to Sunrise. This could be the way that God is going to orchestrate the whole thing because we have not been looking forward to making the decision on her behalf.

2009-01-28T10:34:00.001-06:00

I don't know how long this will last. I journal several times a week but that's mostly pretty private stuff and not something I'd want to post here for the world to see.

I listened to a podcast a couple weeks ago. It was about "left-handed" living. Left-handed living doesn't use force to get what it wants or needs. Left-handed living gets you walked on and stepped on but Jesus says, "Yeah, so". Right-handed living is living out of power and force to get what you want and need. It is interesting that the one who has all the power over us chooses to relate to us in love - left-handedly?