My "Real" Story

When I first came to Christ I was told that I needed to spend time each day having devotions, praying and studying the Word. I committed to these Spiritual Disciplines out of obedience. I developed a hunger for the scriptures and devoted many hours a week to study. Eventually, I moved into various leadership and teaching roles in our church.

The Disciplines, the ministry activities, they seemed to take on a life of their own. The scriptures became everything and I had a low opinion of anyone who didn’t approach the study of the word with a similar passion. I believed that if we were rigorous in keeping to the Word and the disciplines of the Christian life, troubles would pass us by.

For a long time I didn’t even question the direction I was going. I was convinced that I knew the truth and that’s all that mattered.

Eventually though, God started a work in my heart. One of the women in our Bible Study class shared her painful experience with her overbearing father, a pastor, who had no capacity to express love. Even later in life as an adult when she asked him to tell her if he loved her, his response was, “I’ve demonstrated my love for you all my life by caring and providing for you and that should be enough”. The harsh awaking for me came when she said that I reminded her of her father.

That started me questioning what was happening in my heart. Twenty-five years as a Christian and I wasn’t experiencing the "Abundant Life" Jesus promised in John 10:10 and I was often hard, cold and critical with others? That started a process of questioning what I believed even questioning if God made any real difference in my life.

My belief about the “special blessings” God granted those who faithful kept to the Disciplines of prayer, devotions and study was shaken when one of my good friends fell victim to severe debilitating depression. Why? How could this happen to him? He was a dedicated father, elder in our church, youth leader and Sunday school teacher.

Another blow came when my best friend and pastor had an affair. Once again, a loving father, faithful in teaching the Word and following the spiritual disciplines in his life; how could this happen?

Soon after these events, my employer asked me to move to Missouri and we felt God was leading us to accept the change. It took nearly a year to find a church home. I was working long hours and didn’t have time for much more than Sunday morning services. But, I continued to follow my routine of prayer, devotion time and bible study each morning.

The pressure of 70-hour workweeks began to take a toll on me and I began to suffer from anxiety attacks mixed with bouts of depression. Once again I asked, why, how could this be happening? Because so much of my identity as a Christian was tied up in performance, I wondered if this was punishment from God because I was no longer in active ministry.

The anxiety was addressed through counseling and medication but I was embarrassed that my obedient religious practices weren’t enough to overcome this issue. My questions became more urgent.

Work eased up and we were able to get back involved in church and ministry. I was teaching an adult Bible study group again, serving as a deacon and had a small men’s accountability group. But the questions continue to nag at me; I still wasn’t experiencing the abundant life and where was the freedom in Christ I read about in scripture?

We’d been attending the same church we joined when we moved here but we were not content. I’d been reading some authors and listening to podcasts that spoke about God’s love in a way I hadn’t heard before. I read about how we get caught up in performance management and sin management and fail to find true freedom in living loved by our heavenly father.

Finally, about two years ago my wife and I decided to look for a new church home. We were pretty disenchanted with church in general. We’d only had three church homes in nearly 30 years but we’d seen it all. Churches split over doctrinal differences, people shunned because they didn’t “fit in” and the moral failure of leaders. What we didn’t see enough of was God’s love and mercy coming through in his people.

One Sunday we drove by 913 Colbern Rd and we notice that it wasn’t a sports complex anymore, it was a church. We decide to try it out. Honestly, I was about to give up on church but I thought, let’s give it one more try. It was pretty obvious that Lakeland was no ordinary church. Lakeland is much more about “being” church than “doing” church.

I heard Dan talk about contemplative prayer and solitude retreats and I joined a group that went to Conception Abbey. I experienced solitude and silence and the value of making time and space to “be” in God’s presence. I also interacted with people that were open and honest about their own struggles with living this life. This was such a different experience from what I was use to. Most Christian I knew would never admit that they ever had questions about their faith or about God – let alone about his very existence. This was the honesty I needed to allow me to continue my own honest questioning.

In 2010 I went on another Retreat and we’ve joined a two small groups. In one of our groups, Invitare, Katherine Krause is leading us into the experience of just being in God’s presence and learning to pray more contemplatively. I’m learning that true Spiritual Discipline is more about “being” than “doing”. I use to “do” devotions, prayer and bible reading. I’m learning to just “be” in God’s presence and finding rest there.

These days my word is “hopeful”. I sense that God is doing something wonderful in my wife and myself and we are finding more joy in this journey then we have every experienced before.