Just returned from "making retreat" to Conception Abbey in Conception, MO. The Abbey is a Seminar College and Monastery of the Benedictine Order, organized to serve Irish and German immigrants and founded before the Civil War. It is an awesome place to get away, enjoy nature and the quiet and solitude they offer. The Monks pray six times daily and we sat in on their services several times. Meals were simple but sufficient and the rooms were very modest but clean and comfortable.
This was my second annual trip to Conception for a time of silence and solitude. There were 14 others from Lakeland Community Church. The age range of the retreatants was from 19 to 58 with 12 being men and 3 women. It never ceases to amaze me how well Landlanders jell, and how openly they share the deepest desires and frustrations of their spiritual walk with the Father.
Dan, our pastor, says we don't go on this retreat to find a spiritual high. In fact, it is very likely we will find just the opposite. We are there to "wrastle" (wrestle) with God, to get quiet, to notice and to listen.
Personally, I found myself asking the same question over and over, "God, do you love me and can I trust you?" The scripture says it isn't about our love for God but that God loves us (1Jn4:10). This is significant because we hear so much about loving God and loving others. In fact, the passage in 1 John 4 goes on to say that if we don't love our brothers, who we can see, we can't love God.
It seemed to me there was a sort of order in this. If it isn't that we love God but that he loves us then that must be the first or more important part of the process. This is quite important because, if we measure God's love for us on the basis of how much we love our brothers or how much we love him, we might come away pretty dejected. But again, it isn't that we love God but that he loves us.
Accepting that God loves us seems like it would be easy to do but I don't think it is. Most of us don't feel deserving of God's love and in our world - the human world- that is the basis of love. We love those who deserve our love and who love us back. But God's love for us isn't based on our being worthy or deserving and that makes it hard to grasp.
It's unconditional or impersonal and again, we don't have a good model for that accept maybe when it comes to our kids. As tiny little babies they can't do much to earn or deserve our love, we just give it. In fact, they are pretty demanding, noisy, dependent and messy but, we still love them. That's how God loves us, he loves us more than anything or anyone and we can fully trust him.
Anyway, I'm saying that but it is the question I "wrastled" with on my day of solitude. "Do you love me and can I trust you?" I know what the Bible says but I'd like a more personal response. If I can't get one, I'll have to settle for the facts.
I feel a little bad for asking but then I think about John the Baptizer, he announced Jesus' coming, introduced him and even baptized him. But then, he sends his disciples to Jesus to ask if he was the one for which they had been waiting! What, how could he ask that question? I guess things look different from inside a prison cell.
Jesus' response was interesting too. He didn't get bent out of shape, I guess God doesn't mind our stupid questions. He just said, consider what you've seen and experienced, this should give you sufficient evidence of my identity. I hear you Lord.
I find myself asking that often, not in doubting God but doubting my own adaquacy to be loved. Maybe its the good ol' PA Dutch work ethic in me, but down deep I feel like I am always trying to prove myself. I must always be reminded that Grace does not require proof.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the post.