2012

Has it been 6 months since I posted anything on this blog? We just got back from the most adventurous vacation we've ever taken. For our 40th anniversary, we splurged on a trip to Belize. It was a Yoga Retreat, at least it was for Darlene. I did participate one night but mostly, I used the morning and evening Yoga time for quiet time to reflect and listen to God.

We are giving serious thought to selling our house and moving to Colorado to be closer to two of our grand kids. Long distance grand parenting stinks. Getting closer to Josh's family should allow more frequent visits to Steve's family, who are coming back to the States next summer.

We'd also like to do more traveling to see our extended family who seem to be spreading all over the country in Hawaii, Utah, Arizona, Colorado, Georgia, N. Carolina and Pennsylvania. Darlene cut back on her classes at the "Y" from 10 per week to 4 per week and my work has also dwindled down significantly. As the years fly by, it seems more important to stay connected to family.

So, what is ahead in 2012? It could be a pretty exciting and may be an anxious year. We'll have to trust God to orchestrate all the details, which will provide it's own challenges. In 2011 I started setting aside one half day a week for silence and solitude to focus and refocus on my relationship with God. Whatever this year brings, I want to remain faithful to this practice above anything else.

Pre-grief Grace

This past week we had to euthanize one of our dogs - Aslan. He was coming up on 12 years old and that is about the life expectancy for Wheaten Terriers. We got him shortly after moving here from Pennsylvania and he was a real source of joy. We miss him a lot but there is peace knowing that God was walking with us and helping us through the whole process.

It may not seem like much to some but when the God of the Universe orchestrates circumstances in such a way that he seems to be preparing you for a difficult thing in your life, I think that is a big deal and that is a big loving God. Let me tell you the ways God was preparing us for the grief of losing our precious Aslan.

We always knew his life expectancy was 12-15 years and over the past two years we could see he was slowing down. About two months ago our neighbor had to put one of her dogs down and we grieved with her. About two weeks ago we heard about another friend's dog who died in her sleep - she was 12 years old. Then, last weekend, we happen to be looking for something to watch on TV and caught the second half of Marley & Me. All these events were sad but they were also grace from God preparing us for our grief.

When Darlene and I returned from the gym this Wednesday morning, we found that Aslan had vomited 12-15 times all over the house. As we were cleaning up, we found small clots of blood.

We took him to the Vet and they did x-rays of his abdomen. The doctor called to say they were keeping him overnight and that the x-ray showed something unusual around his spleen.

Of course we got on the internet and found several articles related to spleen problems and it didn't look good. Even though a dog can live without his spleen, they generally have lots of difficulties and only live a short time. If there is cancer in the spleen, it spreads almost immediately to other organs so taking the spleen isn't an option. We began to grieve the possibility that we would be losing him.

The next day we picked him up to go for an ultrasound at a pet hospital in Kansas. He seemed pretty much back to normal and I began to hope for the best, that it was just an ulcer or something else that caused the blood. We brought him home and waited for the call.

The call came that afternoon from our Vet and his voice told the story, the news was very bad. Tumors had formed on his spleen, liver and bowel and he had very little time.

Adding to this mix, we are leaving Monday afternoon to visit our son and his family who we only see once a year. Knowing how quickly Aslan could deteriorate, we were concerned our dog sitter would have to deal with it in our absence. This was another pre-grief blessing, we could not "put off" our decision. If we didn't have this trip planned we might easily have delayed too long, meanwhile agonizing over when is the right time and may be allowing him to suffer longer than he should.

Our Vet offered to come to the house and administer the injection in a more comfortable setting for Aslan. Thursday afternoon we took him to his favorite place for a walk in the woods, gave him his favorite treat and tried to pour as much love into him as we could with only a few hours left. Friday morning we walked the trails in our development and he enjoyed more treats along the way.

We decided that our other dog, Jake, needed to be present after Aslan passed. We kept him out of the room until it was over then allowed him to come in and be present for a while before the Vet took Aslan for cremation. Our Vet was wonderful and we appreciate all he did to make this difficult decision - more grace from God.

As sad as this is, we have peace that we were guided toward making good decisions and especially that God, while not saving us from this difficulty, was walking through it with us.

Your Presence

Oh, that you would rip open the heavens and descend, make the mountains shudder at your presence. Isa 64:1

It strikes me that God's presence is always present. He never needs to return to me, it is always me that needs to return to him. Father, forgive me for the ease with which I can leave your presence.

Sometimes I sneak away or drift away or walk away or run away. Thank you for being there like the prodigal's father was there, waiting with open arms and forgiveness. For covering my shame with the robe you prepared for me.

Forgive me Lord for being more concerned with how my words sound than with what is true in my heart. You are the father of the prodigal. I'm shamed by my sin but so grateful that I'm still a son, not disowned, not rejected, still yours. Thank you that you mold me even in my sin and shame, you use these to shape my spirit to conform to your image.

I am what you make me. Thank you for forgiveness, mercy and love. Help me to forgive myself.

Compassionate One/Competative one

God used Isaiah to encourage the people of Israel to return to him before it was too late. For the first 39 chapters the message is "condemnation and judgment" but beginning with chapter 40 the message changes to one of "comfort and hope". Reading Isa 49:8-12 in The Message, I was struck by the words, "compassionate one".

That feels familiar to me. For the first 30+ years of my journey a lot of it felt like condemnation and judgment. But God is the compassionate one, he always has been. Religion obscures what we see, making God seem to be something he is not.

This passage is the one Jesus read from when he began his ministry, he entered the synagogue and they handed him the scroll of Isaiah and he made it clear that the passage was about him. His purpose - to proclaim good news to the poor, the prisoners, the blind and the oppressed - us.

God is the compassionate one. Hundreds of years before the exile and the punishment, he's already delivering a message of redemption. When it comes to compassion, mine is erratic at best, but God's is complete.

The other day we were driving on the highway when we came to an on-ramp and this car was coming along side with the intention of merging into traffic. The person was talking on their cell phone and not paying much attention to their need to slow down or speed up in order to slot into the traffic. I couldn't move over because there was a truck passing me, and I didn't want to adjust my speed. When the driver finally realized I was right there and it was too late to speed up to get in front of me so he had to slam on his brakes.

My wife's reaction was what I should have expected, "tell me she said, how is it that you can stop to help someone who's broken down on the road or out of gas but you couldn't slow down for that guy"?

What is that about Lord? There are times when I feel whole and undivided and junk like that doesn't happen but then there are other times when I feel divided and do stupid things like that.

I think it's about competition. It's like when you're standing in a line and someone distractedly step in front of you. Do you just let it happen or not? In the Isa 49 passage, God says through Isaiah, it's OK, you don't have to worry, you don't have to compete, I'll be there for you:

'It's all right. It's safe now.'
There will be food stands along all the roads,
picnics on all the hills—
Nobody hungry, nobody thirsty,
shade from the sun, shelter from the wind,
For the Compassionate One guides them,
takes them to the best springs.
I'll make all my mountains into roads,
turn them into a superhighway.

We don't need to compete, the Compassionate One has our backs - "it's all right, it's safe now".

Busywork

"Don't waste your time on useless work, mere busywork, the barren pursuits of darkness". (Eph 5:11 Msg)

Really, is busywork that bad? As a kid my father would get upset if he saw me doing "nothing". I might have been watching cartoons or playing but that, in his mind was doing "nothing". So, he would find something for me to do - busywork. What's wrong with doing nothing?

I think busywork is about control, distraction and numbing of the soul. Busywork has distracted me on many occasions from thinking about or doing something difficult, like apologizing to my wife or something else too painful to be faced. I've come to resent busywork. I hate the fact that at times I'm just moving because I don't know any other way or to avoid the difficult emotions that come when all the motion stops.

It does feel better, more fulfilling to be busy. It's like a drug. I think I'm recovering from the need to be busy and I'm beginning to take time more often to be still and focus my thoughts on the Lord. I find myself asking God to expose the things that make me want to be distracted with busywork and reveal his plan and purpose in those things. “Be still, and know that I am God".

Learning to Dance

The other day I read something in the Psalms. The Psalmist said, "the godless are spreading lies about me but I keep on dancing to Your revelation". The early theologians used a word to describe the relationship God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit have with each other that translates "dance".

The kind of fellowship they had and the kind of fellowship we want to have with God is a kind of dance. If we want that dance to become something beautiful and graceful, we'll need personal instruction.

It occurs to me that for most of my Christian life I've been trying to learn to dance by the book. I guess going to bible college you'd think they would be qualified to instruct you in that dance. The problem is they all learned to dance by the book too.

What you really need is personal instruction. God says if you seek me you will find me. The Message puts it this way, "When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." If you want to learn to dance, you need personal instruction.

It takes more than bread to really live

The phrase is from Luke 4:4 in "The Message" translation. Bread is a metaphor for material and physical needs. It seems contradictory to say that we need bread to live while saying it takes more than bread to live. Life is more than having our material needs met. That may seem obvious but we live as though our lives are completely dependent on physical material and emotional needs being met.

This may be partly due to our being human but it is also a factor of our having an enemy who hates us and plays on our hunger as he did on Jesus'. Jesus demonstrated and scripture teaches us to claim the truth of the word and resist the devil and cause him to leave us.

The hard part is recognizing when the enemy is outside or inside. Are my neurotic thoughts coming from me or my enemy? If my heart is good, and it is because God promised to replace my heart of stone with a heart of flesh, then I must conclude it is my enemy accusing and playing on my hunger.

So how do I reconcile the activities of my enemy playing on my hunger with Jesus' words, "It takes more than bread (physical, material, emotional satisfaction) to really live"? I trust Jesus words - real life is not found in peace, prosperity or security.